Student center

Breaking: University receives $2 billion donation to demolish new student center

APRIL FOOLS: This article was published as part of The News-LetterThe annual April Fool’s Day edition of , an attempt to add some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.

University President Ronald J. Daniels announced Tuesday night that the university had received an anonymous $2 billion donation to build a new student center.

This announcement was made at the current construction site of the student center. Daniels drove a bulldozer to the catwalk and addressed a select group of fashionable men, students, professors and dogs.

Although Daniels was partially drowned by construction work in the background, The News-Letter was able to determine that the construction of the (newer) student center will begin immediately after the completion of the (older) student center.

Student response has been mixed. Some endorsed building an even better center for student activities, while others pointed to the power that anonymous donors seemed to have over the University administration.

“Look, if you can just donate money to demolish buildings, why stop at the student center? Like, what’s next,” Txnkie elder Li Spear said. “If I donated $100 billion, could we tear Brody down? Gilman? Shriver? Why not the whole campus?

In a school-wide email, Daniels unveiled the architects of the new student center. Severin Magne Aslak Lauge Ltd. (SMALL), a Norwegian competitor to student center architects Bjarke Ingels Group (BIG), will be in charge of the design. A SMALL representative described the design plans in an interview with The News-Letter.

“We are going to set up a huge central lounge on campus; a wide variety of social spaces; cleverly themed community lounges, art and enrichment spaces; and supreme dining options,” said SMALL rep P. Ness.

Ness expressed confusion over the proposed addition of a structure that “looked like a cage, but was simply labeled ‘HAC ZONE'” and a room called “Chapelle Notre-Dame de la Construction Perpétuelle”.

When asked to comment, Homewood Academic Council member Steve P. Assman said in an interview with The News-Letter that in addition to the expected additions to the new student center, there will be a few other surprises.

“Oh yes, the (prison) student center… We got the go-ahead from the best Ronny D. himself last week to add space to hold students with multiple disciplinary infractions,” Assman said.

The administration declined to comment on the proposed HAC ZONE and chapel.

The University has tentatively scheduled a week-long farewell ceremony for the student center in the fall semester of 2024. The ceremony will have a dual purpose, mourning the older student center while celebrating the new student center. It will suggest activities such as tagging, “catch that dog!” and the return of adult swings.

The president of a popular a cappella group on campus says the University is trying to get a group of Beatles impersonators to perform “Hello, Goodbye” for the duration of the festivities.

“Yes, I received an email from LEED [Leadership, Engagement Parties and Exciting Developments] the other day asking if any of our members had good British accents,” they said.

Freshman Hal Schwartz expressed hesitation over the new construction plans.

“I really hope we don’t end up in a situation where there are just ongoing construction projects for the student center,” he said. “I want to take advantage of it at some point.”

UPDATE 01/04/22: The university receives a new donation of 10 billion dollars to demolish the even newer student center. Full story pending.